I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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