Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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