Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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