My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize