I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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