Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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