ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize