I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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