I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
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I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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