He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
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Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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