I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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