i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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