I just threw up on my dentist
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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