Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
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We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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