he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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