These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize