I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize