Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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