I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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