I just pynch a tree in the face
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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