Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
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Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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