i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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