don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
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I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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