He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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