Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
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Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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