I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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