His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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