I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
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Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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