Michael Bay diarrhea
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Found your dick twin last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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