I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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