Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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