wake up i wanna do it froggy style
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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