either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
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The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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