dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
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Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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