I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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