you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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