the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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