Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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