How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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