The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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