the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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