Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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