this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize