I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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