i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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