Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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