I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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