he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
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Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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