I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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