It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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